JOURNEY TO SATURN
No! My beer! What the hell...
Dear Denmark. Dear Danes.
In less than 24 hours, the greatest event in our history will take place:
Kurt Maj's Satum Expedition!
The purpose is to find eco-friendly energy resources -
- that will benefit people on Earth and the Danish welfare state.
We transmit live from Cape Kurt.
But let's have a closer Icok at the project's creator: Kurt Maj!
Kurt Maj, tyccon and media kingpin, is a man of many talents.
Deeply affected by the rapidly escalating global warming, -
- Kurt Maj has made it his personal cause to fight for the environment.
And now he is on his way to the stars - always the pioneer!
You're on in ten minutes, Per. How's the suit?
Well, it's not as cool as the one I wore for NASA's Mars Mission.
But then again, I'm not exactly going on a 48 hour space walk, am I?
You're so cool, Per.
You and me, Per. Forever!
DANISH UFO ASSOCIATION ANNUAL CONVENTION
Per! Per! Per! Per!
And now, the man we've all been waiting for:
Lecturer and real-life astronaut: Per Jensen!
- When the stars beckon... - Here we come!
Per! Per! Per! Per!
...that you cannot refuse.
Drop by Earth and let's chat. I look forward to meeting you.
NAME FILE:
- Mr. Maj! Over here? - Showtime!
Dear Denmark. Dear Danes.
In just a few hours, Kurt Maj's Saturn Expedition will be a reality.
What has inspired this heroic deed?
Ever since Cape Kurt discovered limitless resources on Saturn, -
- I knew that Denmark would have to claim exclusive rights to these.
It is therefore of vital importance to claim that planet for Denmark!
Isn't this project of greater benefit to you than Denmark as such?
Rubbish!
Kurt Maj Enterprises has financed the project as a national gift.
- But... - Imagine all those riches!
It will be the end of taxes, and the beginning of greater welfare.
Mr. Maj, we have a problem. Our navigator has fallen ill.
It seems to be food poisoning.
Caused by this Kurt Maj TV Dinner.
But he's being treated by the Danish Medical Services, so all is well.
- How will we find a new navigator? - Go over the list once more.
Try to squeeze its tummy. How many do you want?
The crew could have perished from lack of oxygen or small pox.
Voila! There you go.
- I'll never bathe again. - No, why start now?
CONTRACT
- What the hell is this? - Kurt Maj and Denmark need you!
- Say what? - We need a new navigator.
- And you're the man for the job. - Do you want me to go to Saturn?
- Please follow us. - It's urgent.
Yes, but... I haven't got the time just here and now.
I have lots of plans. Laundry and TV... Time is running.
I'll have to leave. Goodbye.
What's your problem, Jensen? You are a trained astronaut, right?
When the stars beckon, I will be there!
- I guess I could serve my country. - Perfect!
- We knew we could count on you. - No problem. I'll just call a cab.
I'll meet you out front in ten...
- We have some transportation. - But I need to go home first.
- Go forit, Per! - I need to cut my toe nails.
I need to have that board sanded before I leave, or...
- Wait... - Bye, bye.
Welcome aboard, Per. Let's have a nice chat now.
This is our command center.
The best brains in the nation are gathered here.
That computer has been programmed to bring you all the way to Saturn.
So you are just a safety measure.
- What are the chances of a mishap? - Zero percent!
Besides, your commander, Skrydsbøl, is a distinguished soldier.
You will not find a more steady man.
- You've disgraced the Army. - You've failed us.
You are a failure, Skrydsbøl.
Basra!
THE MISSION COMES FIRST
Arne? Where are you?
- Help me, Ame... Arne... - Gerd! Gerd!
Get away from him, you bastards! I'm coming, Gerd!
- The reading materials you asked for. - Die, you filthy Al Qaeda combatant!
Skrydsbøl is known to run a tight ship on all of his missions.
Arne Skrydsbøl at your service. If I may be so bold as to say...
- You'll make a great team. - I promise you, I will not fail...
It'll just need to be cleared. Hold on.
Hello? They're in the third matrix of the launch coordinates.
No, in the third... Well, then look at the binary code!
Susanne speaking. Right, I've heard. They're looking for a new navigator.
You want me to...? I'll be there right away. Yes!
Susanne, welcome aboard. As always, a sight for sore eyes.
I'm glad you thought of me.
I've always wanted to go on a space mission. I'll do my best.
No! Susanne, my sweet... You know we can't send you out there.
- Why you are... - I'm what?
- I'm your technical director. - No, it just won't work.
You brighten up the premises down here. We've chosen this guy.
- Per? - Susanne? We used to be lovers.
- We went to the Astronaut Academy. - Then you're the perfect team.
Per is, to put it mildly, not suited for an expedition of this magnitude.
Fiddlesticks. Per is a true man of the people.
Per is a fucking fraud!
The closest thing he ever got to space was when we watched Star Wars!
Why do you insist on hiring the most incompetent idiots for the expedition?
I hope you know what the flipping hell you're doing!
I guess someone is on the rag today.
Susanne Mortensen speaking, technical director of Project Saturn.
I need the exam papers from Space Academy for a Per Jensen.
Yes, right now. Well, then you'll just have to wake the security guard!
TIME FOR LIFT OFF!!
Ladies and gentlemen:
Ourbeloved Queen of Denmark... and the Prince Consort.
Accompanied by our dear Prime Minister.
Oh la la. Exquisite taste, Monsieur.
I'd like to stress a point here: I demand strict discipline.
As representatives of Denmark, we will be part of history forever.
Please welcome: Arne Skrydsbøl and two of Denmarks's finest pilots.
And finally, the experienced astronaut, Per Jensen.
Here you are, Madam.
Hello, beautiful!
Don't just stand there dawdling, men. All aboard now! Hup, hup, hup, hup!
Wait! Do I have time to take a crap? Just a teeny-weeny crap?
Aproper hello to you. I'm Jamil, your cook on this trip.
Hi, there. My name is Per and I'm the new navigator.
- Don't worry, I'll get you to Saturn. - Come here.
A cheese sandwich with jelly and cress or a Company Sandwich?
Isn't that a Club Sandwich?
- Hey, it's alright. - No, it's important that I learn.
I flunked the Danish Citizen Test but if I work hard on this trip -
- and learn to be a real Dane, they promised me a second chance.
Then I'll bring my family up here and we'll open a classy restaurant. Look!
HOT DOGS
Howdy ho, space homos!
Yo ho, you two Princesses. Now it's hot-ass-mothafuckin' party time!
Ole is in charge of supplies.
Here's a bit of high culture for your Danish Test, Jamil.
It's German, but we do it much in the same way here in Denmark.
- I'm not sure my wife would approve. - Come on, man!
Saucy young chicks! Are those girls you've been porking?
You son of a dog! I'll butcher you halal style and feed you to the rats!
- I just want to be your pork partner! - These are my family photos!
Time out, boys.
Gorm the Old, Harald Bluetooth, Sweyn Forkbeard, Harald II, -
- Canute the Great... I'm sorry.
I was way too sensitive. Areal Dane can handle insults and taunts.
You're absolutely right there, my little monkey boy.
- You fat... You big, fat bastard. - Right on!
Stand by for lift off. Man your stations.
Sergeant Skrydsbøl. Wait a second.
We've got T minus 4 minutes and 12 to lift off! It is a clear violation.
- You must read it before lift off. - Is it cleared according to protocol?
- No, but it contains... - It can be contaminated with anthrax!
- But it's about Per. He's... - Brief me when we're airborne.
Now, let's have a bitchin' awesome heck of a party! Here.
Beer. The favourite soft drink of the Danes.
Beer is a pacifier, not a satisfier.
Balthazar!
No, Balthazar! Come back here!
10, 9, 8, 7...
Main bcoster start. 4, 3, 2, 1...
Lift off!
Mon cherie!
Man, this sure is enough to make your asshole rock and shake, ain't it?
Mr. Maj, look overhere.
Owr, but really...
ACCESS DENIED
Kurt Maj, look over here. Mr. Prime Minister, look at the duck.
Mr. Maj, I seem to have a problem with protocol 314.
It's a video, but I can't access it. And I've never heard of it before.
Don't trouble your pretty head with that technical stuff.
But I'm Technical Director, Mr. Maj.
What's the protocol on knocking before approaching your superior?
- That... yo shod knock fisth? - Exactly.
If this had been Kabul, your mother would've had you back in a body bag.
Look me in the eyes. I knew it! You've got it.
The look of death. We've stared death straight in the eyes.
You never forget your first time, huh? The first kill!
Mine was in Beirut '82. Them were the days. How many kills have you had?
That is... two... eh, fifty... ninety!
It's an honour to have you aboard. Let's have a real astronaut chat.
Yes, definitely. I just have to check some... navigation stuff.
That's right, Per. The mission comes first!
What a beautiful cow. Please sit down.
- Bratwurst? - So big!
I just love that movie, dude! Ole has to watch it at least once a day.
Then little Ole will come out to play. And for a dollar, I'll let you watch.
Aah, pussy, wonderful pussy. Let's have some pussy...
See what I've made, dude. Apee bubble! Made of pee!
Yikes! Get that thing away from me.
- It's just like urine squash! - No! My photos!
- Ole's invented a new sport with pee! - I'll be damned...
Be quiet!
Yuck, shame on you!
That's what comes from having such a... wog aboard this craft. Yuck!
I expect discipline on this mission!
In the Gulf, we didn't have any of this stinking monkey business!
HOT DOGS
They're almost there.
All hands on deck! ETA on Saturn in T minus 15 minutes.
Ready for landing?
Say, what are you doing?
I'm ready to put on my helmet in case of... a cute decompression symptoms?
Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Good point, Per.
Touchdown. Welcome to Saturn.
Good! Form formation "The Capture of Saturn". All hands!
I hereby raise this flag as a symbol of the Danish colonization of Saturn.
For King, Country... No, for God, King, and Country. Yes, I'm ready.
God save our gracious King...
No, dammit!
And here is Denmark, and here is Denmark, olé, olé, olé.
This is a clearbreach of the chain of command! Turn that thing off!
From the top!
Hey ho, here we go, d'ya want Ole's cock, you filthy ho?
And Ole... Ole...
Don't worry. It's under control. Give me your wristwatches.
We, the White Gods, bring you gifts as a token of our good intentions.
Obey us, or we'll use our fire sticks!
They don't like you shouting at them.
Fiddlesticks. Primitive civilizations need to know who's in charge.
- Hear, hear! - They don't seem primitive.
We come from a highly developed country called Denmark.
We want to use your natural resources for our high technological machinery.
We'll teach you about democracy and freedom of speech. Great spin-off!
See how he turned hostile when I talked about freedom of speech.
It's the way you say it.
Draw your weapons! Let's see how they like good, old-fashioned brute force!
- Bad idea! - Basra!
Dang it! Ouch! I don't believe it. My triggerfinger!
Shit!
The closest planet we could find is in the Solaris cloud, just 12 years...
Get to the point! What is the size of its water supply?
- Two percent. - Two percent?
But we have sucked all the other planets in the galaxy dry.
You idiot! Two percent will not even keep the army going for a week!
Bless you...
Beloved Dictator, we have captured this gang of aliens.
We demand to be treated in accordance with the Geneva Convention...
...our military rights. - Insert the translators now!
Let me go, you terrorist bastard. This is utterly...
They don't have an orifice in their back forthe translators.
They must have an incredibly primitive DNA structure.
Hey, wait! There's an orifice furtherdown. Roll in the machinery.
Oh, yes! A little more to the left, please.
Tell me where you come from.
Just state your name, rank and home port.
Arne Skrydsbøl, sergeant in the Navy, Planet Earth.
- What business have you on Saturn? - Arne Skrydsbøl, sergeant, Earth.
- Are the translators fitted right? - Fuck, that hurt!
- It should work perfectly. - Take them away.
Bring them back when it's time for dinner. You two, follow me.
Hopelessly outdated.
What's he saying?
...I've kept an eye on you since my first test probes reached Saturn.
I know that water is of vital importance to you, -
- yet you have problems procuring it. Allow me to present, Planet Earth.
Earth, known as the Blue Planet.
78% of it is covered in water... just waiting to be sucked up.
This is an offer you cannot refuse. Drop by Earth, and we'll discuss this.
I look forward to meeting you.
Strip this sorry craft of everything, and then prepare my spaceship.
Where the hell are they?
- They went out to stretch their legs. - They should have been back by now.
Hey! That might be them.
What?
Oopsy doopsy...
There goes all of our communication!
I won't stand for that tone of voice. Accidents may happen, you know.
It'll take days to re-establish connections. That was our only server.
Annoying, isn't it? Well, I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Come here. We have a pretty gift for you.
Gu ga gu ga gu ga.
Well, horrible testicle torture is an unavoidable aspect in ourbusiness.
Just see is as a work hazard. That makes it all easier.
Cheers, Ole.
My last one! It should join the rest of the Brewsky family in my belly.
I'm like a beautiful flower. I need a beer or I'll wither away.
- I'm withering away! - What are you doing?
I think our prison cell is made of frozen metallic gas.
It has crystallized and appears hard but vaporizes if exposed to alcohol.
- How did you know? - I am a doctor of nuclear physics.
Any porch monkey can claim that. Let's rock'n'roll, boys!
- Hold it! Prison break! - Basra!
Great teamwork. Let's go! Hup, hup, hup.
- They seem to be getting ready. - But for what?
- Look! Our spaceship. - And there's the boss dude.
Satum Force One, departure!
Destination: Planet Earth.
- Earth? - Operation Suck Earth Dry.
Proceed to hut 3 and await the Dictator's signal.
- Suck Earth Dry? - Sounds kinky!
Aha! The Dictatoris on his way to Earth to launch an invasion.
- I knew it was a rogue state! - Look at that giant vacuum cleaner.
If he reaches Earth and transmits the signal, it would mean...
- The End of the World! - We'll put an end to that.
Move over, boys! Time for some boobs and beer.
I found this in the Earthlings' craft.
Some outmoded audio-visual media based on electromagnetic currents.
This seems to be a manual in the customs of the Earthlings.
Interesting.
Ouch, that fucking shit!
And then there's a slight ascend, which you stick to for ten minutes...
Saturn mission to Cape Kurt, come in.
Per, let's get this baby in the air so we can eliminate that UFO.
I haven't had much practice with this model... I'm used to the Apollo type.
You and I have the look of death. Rememberthat.
It's always nice to have a clearview, right?
Per, hurry up!
HANDBRAKE
Tilt, Per! Tilt!
What's the matter with you, kid? Don't worry. I'll take it from here.
I flew the Hercules planes when we carpet-bombed Beograd.
Post-traumatic stress disorder after dangerous missions is quite common.
Ouch, that old fucking piece of shit!
Yes! Come on. Expedition, Cape Kurt calling. Can you hear me?
- Hello. - Per, is that you?
This is George from the Short Wave Radio Club. Any kinky girls on line?
Hello? Hello...
Ole has totally freaked out.
The enemy is in sight!
The Earthlings' spacecraft! It's gaining on us.
Let them come.
Fire! And not just a warning shot either. Just throw it right at them.
They're gone.
- Contact! Per, eliminate them. - What?
- Let me have a shot at it. - You know dog fights too, Mr. 9/11?
No, three years in the accommodation centre. PlayStation, see?
- Way to go, Jamil. Bull's eye! - The UFO seems to be unharmed.
They don't stand a chance against our deflector shield.
Give me an estimate of the steering system of their pathetic vessel.
- A black hole. It's sucking us in! - Arne, turn the wheel!
Way to go, Arne!
- Red alert! - Take over. I'll check the air lock.
Red alert! Red alert!
CONFIDENTIAL
Per, would you please come with me?
Just activate the jet pack, scoot over to the UFO and attach the explosives.
- Have you gone mad, man? - Don't worry, Per.
This should be a piece of cake for a seasoned astronaut like you.
Wait! I'm not an astronaut.
I've never been to space before. I don't know how to ride a jet pack!
I've known that from the moment I saw you.
Arne Skrydsbøl has a keen eye. You smell like a con man.
- Arne, I can explain it all... - No, you cannot!
- Know... who sailed Olfert Fischer? - An ole fart?
- Hello? - Shot them... call it friendly fire.
Can you hear me?
- Arne, this is dangerous! - You've endangered the mission.
What with your lies and fake exam papers.
- Wait! I lied for a reason. - It had better be a good reason.
- I lied because I was in love. - I see. That's the worst excuse ever!
- Have you never been in love, Arne? - I was close to my pup, Dick Cheney.
- But I shot it when it ate my medals! - I'm talking about real love, Arne.
Have you never been so madly in love that it hurts just to see her?
That's how I felt about Susanne. She'd just been accepted into the Academy.
I thought, "I'm will be an astronaut, too." Just to be close to her.
But I flunked all the tests.
Get to the point, or I shoot you in the head like little Dick Cheney.
So I started cheating to impress her. Yes, I tampered with my exam papers.
No Dane with any kind of space slash military training is fooled by a con.
Yes. She was mad about me, and everything was just great.
Then she found out I had cheated and went totally ballistic.
She said I was a disgrace to the space program. She never understood.
I didn't give a fuck about the space program. I just wanted to be with her.
You activate the bomb on the red button.
No!
Oh, no!
- Where's Per? - There.
It's always nice to have a clear view, right, Per?
Activate the jet pack, you idiot!
Hell bloody!
- Oh, no. - No more games.
What kind of abomination is this?
Some sort of advanced remote control. They've taken over our control system.
What the fuck are you up to?
Goodbye.
Get us away from here!
Typical!
Per!
- You are a trained astronaut, right? - We'll be a part of history forever.
- You're so cool, Per! - You smell like a con man.
- Per is a genuine man of the people. - Per is a fucking fraud!
Susanne!
Susanne... no!
Per! Oh, no, it's all my fault.
Bloody hell! The autopilot is down with a fatal error.
This is a crisis situation. We'll never make it back to Earth.
- What happened to Per? - He was sucked into the black hole.
- We have to go in after him. - A suicide mission? You'd like that!
- We have to try. - Arne, where are you?
Ame, for fuck's sake!
The mission always comes first! Per failed us. I can do nothing!
- What the hell is wrong now? - We've run out of gas.
Well, you'll have it your way then.
Beloved Mr. Dictator, we're entering the Earth's atmosphere.
He was right. They've got enough water to keep the fleet running in 20 years.
Send the co-ordinates to the invasion force.
I don't know what so say, but I think something has gone terribly wrong.
- What's going on? - Someone is entering the atmosphere.
Oh, no!
Six. One, two, three, four... Oh, no.
Oops, Mr. Prime Minister, this is going to be expensive.
We'll just cut back on the care of our senior citizens again this year.
- Mr. Maj. - Susanne. What an entrance.
Our space ship is lost, and an unidentified vessel is approaching.
- I think it's hostile. - The Danish People's Party protest.
There comes a time when you as a citizen of this peaceful nation -
- will be forced to perform the noble defence mechanism, -
- which we through proud generations have resorted to again and again -
- and proven that we master to perfection.
- Total subjection. - What?
We're talking about cool cash here.
Imagine the export rights and exchange of sustainable technology.
Your re-election is ensured since you can lowertaxes and safeguard welfare.
You can't just do that!
Leave this to the men now, right, you sweet little thing?
- I think we've passed through it. - Never underestimate Danish design.
- The atmosphere is compatible. - We're really out in the sticks, huh?
We have to survey the area and find fuel, if Denmark is to be saved.
Look! Alight.
DENMARK HAS VISITORS FROM SPACE
Cheers!
I'm so horny.
We want to cum in the ass of all your girls.
Give me your big cock. Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
Dear Danes! Let's welcome our new allies.
These fascinating beings have come to negotiate the future export of goods.
Of all nations on Earth they chose us. Because Danish goods are the best!
If we enter into this agreement, -
- then early retirement is guaranteed for all further generations.
That's not true!
The aliens are hostile. They've murdered our astronauts!
Well, as soon as someone makes a splendid initiative -
- that will create prosperity, -
- the leftwinged, paranoid eco-freaks crawl out of their filthy wood works.
Some people will always be naysayers, when it comes to progress, -
- but real Danes will agree that those who try to slow progress are traitors!
- You fucking communist! - Filthy bitch!
But where is the Saturn Expedition then?
Traitor!
- Welcome to Earth. - Prepare a translator.
Attention! This looks like a cultural leftist art installation.
Hey, there's a doorbell.
OUR FATHER & SONS
I'm Saint Peter, and I can smell your earthly vessels from in here.
No time to chat, Santa Claus. We're on a mission and have run out of gas.
Gas? I don't know anything about that. But... come on in and ask.
HEAVEN
Just make your inquiry at the counter over yonder.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, -
- so take off your boots so as not to drag your dust in here.
We need gas. I demand to talk to your superior.
It's him.
Yo, what's up, guys? Want a guided tour of the garden?
I'm willing to help you suck up all the water from Earth.
The oceans, the ground water, the whole shebang.
- And what do you expect in return? - I want the island of Greenland.
The Kurt Maj Drink is top notch. It's made from pure Greenland ice.
The Kurt Maj drink, the only water.
399 $ a bottle.
When you've sucked up all the water, it'll be more valuable than gold.
People have to drink Kurt Maj Drink. I already extracted large quantities -
- and stored it at different spots all over the world. Have a Kurt Maj drink!
You can't do that!
Kill her.
CATALOGUE OF SINS
- Excuse me, are you Jesus? - No, man. I'm Stand-in Jesus.
My older brother is on Earth trying to make a comeback.
The old man is making an effort to get the business booming again.
We haven't had much following these days.
Disgusting! Sexually deviant mutants with wings.
ADULTERY - DECEIT TAX FRAUD
Yes! Alright!
SEX DRUGS AND ROCK'N'ROLL
Hell changed its marketing strategy from eternal punishment and misery.
Now their slogan is: "Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll."
- How can you compete with that? - Let me go, you disgusting cockatoo!
- Look! - Let go of me, for fuck's sake!
- I haven't got the time to be dead. - Hey, Per.
- I never thought I'd see you again. - Where have you been, Per?
- Little Per, my friend. - It's worse than the IRS up here.
I told them I had to return, but they asked for a load of papers...
- Oh, no. You're not dead, are you? - No.
- What about the UFO? - Well, it got away, didn't it?
Let's just find some gas and blow this hippie commune.
We don't have stuff like that up here. The whole place is wind-powered.
- God Almighty! - You must help us save Earth.
Earth? But that's our entire clientele.
Say, the Holy Ghost might be able to help you.
What do we need that for? Ouch, you filthy little creep!
- They're flying vermin. - Easy now. Trust me.
ANGEL PUSSY
Unfortunately, these guys have to return.
- Good luck with it all, then. - Likewise.
- Where do you think you're going? - What do you mean?
Our policy is strict: Once you've died and gone to Heaven, that's it!
- I'm not even a member of the Church. - What the hell?
Fuck off, you fucking parasite!
- Where's it going? Come back. - Filthy shit bird.
It's a gas station! Right on!
- Look. They sell Danish beer. - Beer?
Brewsky!
Yes!
- Well, Arne. It's filled up. - And so what?
We have no autopilot, and our navigator is an impostor!
Right on!
- This beer's heavy. - Per's never here for manual labour!
Aviation deck, check. Flaps, check. Engine burst, check.
We're ready for lift off.
I found the manual. Just push start, and we're headed right for Earth.
Well, let's go then, Per.
Alright, when the stars beckon, here we fucking come.
We're flying at 20 times normal speed.
Do we need these translators anymore? I'm so sore in my butt.
It might contain info about the enemy.
Keep it up there, and you'll pass the Dane test the next time.
Well, boys. We're almost home.
Hello. Per, is that you?
I thought you were dead. How did you find your way back?
Per handled that. He turned out to be an outstanding navigator.
- Susanne, has the UFO arrived? - Yes, but I've...
- The invasion fleet is on its way. - The invasion fleet?
Did the dictator bring a remote control?
Of course! The dictator uses the remote control -
- to log unto the operative system of other spacecrafts and control them.
If you could get hold of it, we may be able to stop the entire UFO fleet.
- Okay. I'll do my best. - We'll come as fast as we can.
So this is where you're hiding, right in an intergalactic date.
- How sweet. - Leave her alone!
When the stars beckon, then big, bad Per is on his way!
Why do you think I picked a bunch of losers and a bumed-out soldier?
You're good for nothing, and that made you perfect for my little mission.
Wish I had time to chat, but I've got a planet to suck dry.
Say goodbye to Susanne now.
- I thought you'd done away with them. - They don't know what they're in for.
Put the pedal to the metal. Let's go!
- Where did that come from? - We're dead meat, boys.
We'll hit the moon. Shit! This is going to be one tough crash landing!
Oh, no. The invasion fleet.
Why did I join this shitty mission? I'll never see my dear family again.
I've lost everything for fucking Denemarci!
Sandwiches, beer and crappy soccer! You can't even beat the Swedes!
And silly proverbs! Who the hell lives in a house of glass?
And who wants one bird in the hand? It's a shitty nation!
I have to speak to my God.
- Where the heck is Mecca? - Just face Earth. That should do it.
This is the perfect place to erect your water exploitation machine.
You can't just take the water on Earth. It belongs to all of us.
- You get the Kurt Maj Drink instead. - But ordinary people can't afford it.
Then they'd better start saving up.
A strong signal on our radars seems to indicate more incoming UFOs.
It's almost an army.
- So many to build that machine? - My soldiers won't building anything.
We'll have slaves do the work!
Never point a thing like that at other people. It's fucking dangerous.
Hold it right there! We're on our way to Earth -
- to stop an alien invasion, and we don't have time for your foolishness.
Work is progressing at a steady pace. We expect to be ready in 24 hours.
- You have 12. - Danes can't work any faster.
Their work ethic has deteriorated from decades of being public employees.
Wrong answer. You're in charge now. You've got 12 hours, understood?
Start the countdown!
Hey, kabob.
Hey, let the grown-ups have a look.
Hornbæk Beach. High society tits!
What's that?
It's the countdown for the end of the world.
- Susanne! - Someone ran off with your girl.
- Treachery on the home-front. - She's been taken hostage!
At least the problem is solved. We'll nuke the platform and be heroes.
- We can't! Susanne is down there. - Let me tell you something, Per!
I've only had one true friend, Gerd, my second in command.
During a mission in Basra, he was caught in enemy crossfire.
I could either complete the mission or save Gerd. I chose Gerd.
If Gerd died, I wouldn't have anyone left in my life. Nobody!
It didn't work. The mission went totally awry.
Arne!
Gerd was killed. 60 bullets. I was demoted from colonel to sergeant.
I'd forgotten the most important rule in the army: The mission comes first.
But this is my chance to make it right!
That's not right, Arne. You went through the black hole to save me.
It wasn't quite like that.
I get your point about not nuking anybody, but how can we stop them?
Kurt Maj had a point. We are just a bunch of losers.
We didn't get this far just to end up nuking hundreds of innocent people.
Did we at any time have the odds in our favour?
Would a bunch of losers have survived everything we've been through?
We aren't losers. We're astronauts.
We represent Denmark in the entire universe-
- and Denmark doesn't nuke innocent people just to serve a greater cause.
- I suggest we put it to the vote. - Danish democracy is the thing!
All in favour of saving Denmark in a humane way.
- Hear, hear! - Utter foolishness!
- Per, do we have a plan? - No. But I know someone who might.
NEWSATURN RACE - TERRORISTS? ALIENS DO EXIST
Mom! I was supposed to go with the others to see the aliens.
I think you have some visitors, lb.
Coffee's served.
- Why did we let ourselves be fooled? - What are we going to do?
Let me see. All aliens are prone to be eliminated by some Earth stuff.
They may get the flu and die. Or mosquito spray, shampoo, or cooties.
DUFO has taped everything on the aliens since they arrived.
We've only got an hour and a halfleft.
Wait! Rewind a bit.
There. Pause!
- Slow forward. - How about a beer?
- Why, it's beer! - Of course!
Yo, have a beer!
They're back!
- Per! - If we have her, they won't touch us.
Keep them out of the control room. Lead them up to the top deck.
- But how? - Just do it. Now!
The suction machine! We have to stop it. Come on, Arne!
Where is the control room? Overhere, boys.
You! Get all these people as far away as possible.
- Stop your griping, Susanne. - Susanne!
Let's split up. Arne and Ole, stop the engine. Jamil, come with me.
You stay here and fix that door.
Come and get me, you oversized lizard!
Susanne!
Take that!
- Only ten minutes left! - Yo!
Per! I'm coming!
Jamil...
Jamil, no!
- Jamil... - I can't feel my legs. Cold...
Don't die! You have to become a real Dane. We'll visit the landmarks.
I'll introduce you to Ida Davidsen and let you taste her open sandwiches.
Per, you need to be a father to my kids. Jamil Junior and Jamilla.
Promise me to talk to my wife, Nadja, cousin Ali, uncle Nadim and Dina.
And my cousin and her children, Hakim and Yassir and their wives -
- and Mohammad, my other cousin...
- Right, right, all of them. - Wait, I have more pictures here.
There is a lovely country...
It didn't penetrate you. Your photos stopped the bullet!
You made it!
Yo, greenhorn. Cheers!
Right on, Susanne!
Let's get out ofhere.
We have to stop that suction machine.
- What the hell does it say? - You have to mount a translator.
- You can borrow mine. - Fine, just hurry up.
- What are you up to? - Anuclear missile is on its way.
- We just need to get out of here. - Susanne and Ole are still up there!
The mission comes first. That's the way it is.
- That sounds just about right. - You could've told me where ite went.
ON/OFF
Why couldn't you just have read it?
- Susanne! - Per!
You were so good up there! Why didn't you just come right out and say it?
I thought you were a lame smartass...
Not now! There's a nuclear missile on its way.
Basra!
Arne?
I told you I only had one true friend. I see now that's not true.
I've gained two new friends. Sometimes friends come before the mission.
Alright, three friends then.
Run, dammit, run!
- Arne! - You shall not pass, you bastard!
Arne!
We can't get away. He's too heavy.
Jamil, the gun!
Bottoms up!
- Right on, man! - Yeehaw!
Hurry up! The missile is coming.
Yeehaw!
Fools! I have thousands of UFOs left in the universe.
Did you really think it would be that easy to beat me?
Shit!
Would a desert princess like you like to see the palm rise at Ole's oasis?
- Bloody hell, Ole! - Remember: Respect for traditions.
That doesn't count when we're talking about my cousin.
Do you really understand Danish if you use one of these?
- Where will we spend our honeymoon? - We could begin with the Milky Way.
And after that we'll just follow the stars.
SUSANNE HAS GOT ATIGHT PUSSY
I sensed that something was not right with the strangers, -
- so I decided to isolate them at my oil field and exterminate them.
It was a tough battle, but my plan worked. I had them exterminated.
And now: Kurt Maj Enterprises has always been very keen -
- on getting cheap, alternative energy resources forthe Danes.
So let me introduce my latest project: The Journey to the Sun!
THE END
What the hell? They haven't been true to the comic at all!
THE END Subtitles: Aage Brock SDI Media Denmark